Loving & Loathing, an essay by Chlo Ordello

I never knew who I loved; he was the perfect stranger to me that felt like home. To be so deeply, truly, and unfathomably enamored with someone the way I was with him. It's easy to look back and see I was tangled into the web, but god, when I was in it, all I felt was him. 

Everything was complex, and he prided himself on being a man of few words. But I felt the change in his movements, his touch, his breath, his gaze. He was never the same after the first, and with each new betrayal, the sting of a mutation grew, rugged and raw, and tore through every part of what made me whole. 

I felt it before I knew, but I could never rationalize what I'd hoped was just fear. He'd lie and tell me it was paranoia and insecurity, and it became ingrained in me. But still, I remember questioning the glisten in his eyes when he would tell me he loved me. Wholly, unconditionally, and then leave to fuck someone else. Refused to kiss me in front of his friends, but let the latest conquest grope him in front of me after denying tooth and nail. Having every one of his female friends block me because of what I might say to jeopardize his “reputation”,  jeopardize the string of lies and manipulation he had been carefully threading through each of us to feed exactly what he needed, the ego boost.

The kind of insanity that I dug myself into while trying to discern what I knew from what I felt. What I saw from what he told me. I've never felt more out of body than those moments. To look back and connect everything, all the dots, and be able to tell myself “it wasn't you” isn't as healing as I wish it was. I wish I would've left. I wish I never would have called him for help when i was drowning in the weight of his betrayal. Even when I'd found proof I couldn't hide from, for some unfathomable reason, I still promised myself it would be okay. If we pushed it under the rug, eventually I'd feel okay enough to breathe. Breathe without him.

Love and loathing, never have I felt such a multifaceted range of a singular emotion. The only person who id thought made me feel whole, tore me apart completely, left me a shell of second-guessing, asking for reassurance, and shuddering at the touch of my own skin. But oh, how I loved him, how I needed him, how I couldn't recover from this utter and complete betrayal without the one who claimed guilty on the stand. 

I couldn't let him touch me for the longest time, I couldn't look at him without seeing flashes of my worst fears in front of my eyes, and to close them only invited the nightmares to become real. Every “I love you” felt like an “im sorry” was tacked onto the end, although almost never uttered in actuality. And nobody could know that was most important. He worried so deeply about people finding out what he had done, I wasn't allowed to talk about it, even to him. But at that point, the disdain for myself was so strong I did everything in my power to hide it, and hide us from the people who already knew. I couldn't let them catch on to the fact that I was too weak to leave.

That was when I spent all my time thinking about them, each and every one. How did she move? Speak? Smell? Was she soft? Was she flexible? Was she better? I couldn't form a thought that wasn't a comparison or curiosity about them, shuffling through each like files in a cabinet I kept right in the front of my brain for months. Every time his skin touched mine, I wondered if he was thinking of one of them. If I saw his eyes close, I'd worry he was looking through his own file cabinet, thinking of the same things I did. And I felt sick, but I never stopped. I wanted him to want me, so I hoped it was in my head, and hoped he loved me enough to be the only one on his mind. 

After a while,  we both had each other convinced. It was so deeply ingrained in us, this confining, breathless, unyielding codependency. He thought he needed me to forgive himself, and I thought I needed him to move on. We used the same hands that made tender imprints to tear each other open and watch the blood be shared. I said I forgave him, but I could never forget, and he could never change who he was. 

We stayed together for almost a year after, moved in together, became intertwined in every facet. Some things got better, most never did. We were in love, it was beautiful, and it was mundane, and awe inspiring, and the fucking worst. And then one night, he left while I was asleep. I still wonder if it was all a nightmare.

The Confession Files

Come clean. Or dont.

Come clean. Or dont.

The space between Loving and Loathing, an immersive art experience where visitors confront the many facets of infidelity. This is about the raw human contradictions that live in all of us.

We’re not here to judge. We’re here to listen. This form does not ask who you are.

Dissecting the gallery: A photographer (& storytellers) analysis…

I’ve never been cheated on. I have never been in a long-term relationship, but I have known the disdain of being deceived by someone I love, exposing parts of myself, and wanting so badly to make things work despite crash out after crash out. When Chlo and I began speaking about this concept of Loving & Loathing (L&L), there was an immediate mutual understanding. While L&L was inspired by a very specific event in their life, it was universal. Infidelity, & its depth, is a whirlpool. There is a deep nuance behind such an act. The following analysis highlights the gallery’s timeline & its crucial attention to intention. 

Part One: Conceptualizing the gallery

Chlo’s essay directly informed the gallery. Their ability to articulate what feels like an isolating, individual experience—infidelity—from the inside out was paramount to our process. They captured the internal unraveling and external consequences of the state of affairs. I felt the ownership one feels over vulnerable experiences they have with someone, knowing it was violated and recycled. I know that rage. It was clear there was a need to showcase all parties involved in a specific state of affairs. I have titled each participant individually…  “the lover, the liar, & the liberated.” Pulling away from the idea that hating “the liberated” involved in this act of infidelity was very important. While I recognize these titles can be shared among the three showcased in this gallery, for the sake of storytelling, I kept these titles in mind when planning each scene. Essentially, we wanted to showcase that projecting hate on a party that ultimately is not at fault for another party's act of infidelity does not serve the visual story we are telling. The story we are telling highlights parts of infidelity that set “the lover” free, even in the harrowing “impending doom”, where the light at the end of the tunnel seems to move farther and farther away. That sense of individualism, loneliness, betrayal, love, every emotion, big and small

Part Two: Capturing loving & loathing…

While I’m not a psychologist, and don’t claim to be, my education and experience have given me a certain fluency in analyzing human behavior. As a theatre professional, specifically a director, playwright, and performer, I’ve learned that theatre, at its core, demands empathy. You are constantly asked to step into the shoes of people you do not fully understand. To make sense of their choices, their silences, their spirals. I lead every creative project with that principle in mind: that we do not have to agree with someone’s actions to portray them with depth, compassion, and honesty. It’s not about judgment, it’s about curiosity. And that curiosity is what drives me as both a storyteller and photographer.

It was essential that the models involved in this project not only felt safe and comfortable but also understood the emotional landscape we were navigating, especially the moments of intimacy. Their understanding of what those moments meant informed the entire gallery. In any artistic role, whether actor, model, designer, or playwright, you’re almost always being asked to center humanity. Even in the mess. Especially in the mess. You have to learn how to navigate that. 

Chlo shared their experience with infidelity, and together, we all reflected on our own stories of loving and loathing. Building a space that allows for creative risk means anchoring it in honesty, vulnerability, and trust. The models didn’t just step in front of a camera — we stepped into something that asked us to remember, to confront, to create, and to play. All at once.

That is how we should all be making art. Because even in its most liberating moments, art demands we face truths we didn’t know we were carrying. And sometimes, if we’re lucky, it transforms them into something profound.

Part Three: Curating the physical & immersive gallery

A majority of the gallery leans on the comfort of a living room, but this was not my idea. Chlo enjoyed the visual of our images being displayed in a space that felt lived in. The physical space evoked a feeling familiar to Chlo. When it came to displaying the images themself, Chlo and I decided to select 11 prints that best encapsulate the gallery as a whole. I knew I wanted to use a TV to showcase them digitally. While it was a creative decision, it was also a logistical one. Printing the full photo gallery can get expensive, but I wanted to ensure that people could still experience the complete gallery in its entirety, 64 edited images. This opportunity for folks to sit down, watch the gallery, write in a journal, and exist in the space we have curated for them was an opportunity to pull them outside of their world and offer a check-in. With themselves. Friends. Or lovers.

Lastly…

Capturing, editing, selecting (10/64 images, sigh), and physically curating my first gallery has been rewarding, humbling, comforting, creatively nourishing, and transformative. Having Chlo as a creative partner and an array of community support has been one of my biggest creative joys. Chlo’s creative tenacity is inspiring, and I feel so lucky to have curated this gallery beside them. 

We’re eager and grateful to share this with you. Loving & Loathing opens 7/3, 6-9pm, at WinkWink. :)

Loving & Loathing, an immersive gallery opening @ WinkWink Boutique 7/3, 6-9pm.

1302 Commercial St, Bellingham, WA

Meet The Creative Team

Chlo Ordello

Creative Director

They/Them

@theresspinachinyourteeth

Hello! My name is Chlo, an artist, a storyteller, and cosmetologist. I was born and raised in the PNW and the local Bellingham arts community has been a pillar in my creative development. 

In 2024, I creative directed alongside Madison to capture “Divine”, a project inspired by the evolving symbolism of Lilith, from a demon of seduction to a representation of divine feminine rage and autonomy. “Loving & Loathing” (L&L) was conceived from my lived experience, a story of infidelity that existed in my peripheral.   

When I look back on my experiences, the many half-joted ideas that sit in my drafts, I have never adhered to one specific style. Ultimately, I am inspired by things that feel inherently communal and yet also ethereally unobtainable. To find the balance between this dichotomy is where I find my true passion in creation. 

She/They

Madison Joy LeFever

Photographer

Howdy! I’m Madison, a multidisciplinary creative based in the Pacific Northwest. I hold a BA in Theatre Production with concentrations in Directing and Playwriting. My work is rooted in a deep belief in the radical potential of empathy and the power of storytelling to foster connection and build community. 

I began capturing in Bellingham, at the center of sweaty house shows where musicians played their hearts out in living rooms. Most weeknights and weekends in the theater, I took every chance to capture the fruitful DIY Music Scene, and I eventually went on to capture some of music’s most influential femme artists. (Sabrina Carpenter, Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, TeZATalks, and Lizzy McAlpine.) My work and photography style are grounded in emotional truth and driven by a commitment to honor people, their energy, and the stories they tell.

@madsjoylefever

Cassidy Turner

Visual Collaborator

She/Her

I'm Cassidy Turner, a proud community member in Whatcom County since 2014. I am a direct support professional and advocate for adults with developmental disabilities. I prioritize my community and believe in equal opportunity for ALL folks. I plan on broadening my horizons in my DDA career in the coming years to work with younger generations hoping to pave an even brighter and accepting community!


In my creative life, I am an aspiring model! I have experience working with local photographers, creative directors, visionaries, etc. I've modeled clothing, modeled for the WWU student led magazine, and modeled/collaborated with Chlo Ordello and Madison Joy LeFever for "Divine" and now "Love and Loathing". Bringing to life a vision as a model has challenged my confidence and sense of physical self, but most importantly has made me feel so honored that an artist trusts me to be a part of their creation

@cocogazuntite

Kobe Greenwalt

Visual Collaborator